Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill's Journal
by The White Namek
Summary: Aximili's journal, written during the time he was sick...


Earth date: November 1, 1999 Time: 1:22 p.m.

Today shall be an exciting day. Of all places, Visser Three has decided to attack a hospital. A hospital! The very place where humans should feel safest.

Of course, it is also the place where they are weakest. And that is how the yeerks work. They go for the victims with the least ability to fight back. Sometimes I try to figure out a Yeerk's logic. It's very simple actually.

The weaker the victim, the less resistance one will have.

I feel apprehensive, and anxious. There's nothing like a good battle. But the fact that I could die in battle still bothers me. Will I get a chance to avenge my brother? Will I complete my task?

Of course, my friends are always behind me. Marco, by about ten feet, anyway. Was that humor correct? I hope so. I'm trying to learn it, but so far I have no sense of humor.

Same day; Time: 3 p.m.

Well, the fight went well. I got wounded, and stabbed by a needle. Ouch. Anyway, I shouldn't worry. I don't think contaminated blood samples would be left out in the open. Would they?

Visser Three escaped, however. He ran like the coward he is. That figures, doesn't it?

Prince Jake, Marco, Cassie, Rachel and Tobias all did their part. Tobias remained at the hospital once the battle was finished. He has yet to return…

Earth date: November 2, 1999 Time; 5:20 a.m.

I can't sleep. I can't think. I can do nothing but be afraid.

Tobias told me some very disturbing news last night. It turns out that the needle that injected me DID have contaminated blood. It was contaminated with the human disease called AIDS.

The girl that the blood had belonged to was already dead. That means her case was highly advanced. Tobias explained to me what AIDS is.

AIDS stands for Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. It attacks the body's immune system, destroying the T-cells first, and then the rest of the body. Since my Tria gland was removed, my body no longer produces the necessary T-Cells. This means I'm ready prey for any illness that gets into my system. And…it's fatal. I will become incapacitated and die. I don't have much time...

Fortunately, it is not airborne. I'd have to literally bleed into someone's open wound, exchange body fluids somehow, or make sexual contact. None of those three mentioned actions are likely. 

I guess I never will know the glory of loving and making love to someone.

I'm frightened. I don't know what to do. Who to turn to. My mother and father are so far away. How I wish I could hide in my mother's arms again and just cry. I wish…I don't know what I wish for anymore. It doesn't matter. Why wish for a future when the next few minutes could be the end of me?

Alright, Aximili. Calm yourself down…

When I found out I was ill, I ran. Tobias had told me and I ran from him. As if I could run from my own death. I even tried praying to a human God. I got on my knees and prayed. I asked him to do a few things for me. Did this God hear me? I think he did. I don't know why…I just have this feeling. A hunch. 

Where did I find out about this God? Simple. I have been reading an extremely long book called "The Bible". It explains many things, and also gave me some insight on human beliefs. Could such a being, even more powerful than the Ellimist…powerful enough to create and destroy everything, exist?

It is highly possible. Besides, I don't know what to believe in anymore. I never imagined myself dying young. I'm only 14 Earth years old! That's 2 Andalite years! I'm just a child. 

Just a child…

Earth Date: November 4, 1999 Time: 9:55 p.m.

I woke up this morning hoping that what I was told last night was just a bad dream or a mistake. It wasn't. I've also been asking myself a lot of questions lately. Mostly about dying. But other things too.

What will my friends do once I am gone? Sometimes I wonder if they'd ever really notice I was gone. Of course, I already know that answer. According to my friends, I'm still pretty "weird". I guess you always notice a weird person. Tobias wouldn't have anyone to talk to. But I do suspect he has romantic feelings for Rachel. Perhaps she can fill that gap and be the person Tobias will talk to when he needs someone. Marco will certainly miss my attempts to contradict his humor. Jake won't hear me calling him my Prince anymore. Cassie won't see me wandering about the barn. Yes, they will notice I'm not there.

Another question I have is this: What is it like to die? That I don't know. I certainly can't ask Elfangor that question. I'm assuming I'll know it's happening when it's happening.

If God did hear me, then will Elfangor be the first person I see when I die? Will he come to take me from my body? Will I even KNOW I've died when I die? For that matter, is there an afterlife?

So many questions…and not even the World Almanac has the answers.

Same day. Time: 11:28 p.m.

I just woke up from a frightening nightmare. I dreamed that I was running through the forest, like I always do. Then this immense shadow fell over me. It sent a chill up and down my body, with breath like ice from a frozen moon.

Fighting it wouldn't work. So I ran. I ran as fast as I could. But still it kept gaining on me. Gaining and gaining. Faster and faster. I think I was screaming and literally "sleep-running", because right as the cold shadow consumed me, I came to my senses to the pain of falling onto a large rock. I knew what that shadow was. It was death.

Elfangor once told me that we can't all be strong forever. That there are times when we are all weak. He was right. So I just let everything go and cried as I lied there on the forest floor.

Tobias had heard me, and fluttered down beside me. We didn't say anything to each other. He just perched near me and allowed me to cry. He is a good shorm.

Earth Date: November 10, 1999 Time; 12:00 p.m., or "noon"

I haven't written in awhile, I know. I guess I've been afraid of seeing my earlier entries.

Lately I ran across a beautiful thing in the human book called "The Bible". An interesting concept called "Heaven".

Heaven is the place humans believe they go when they die. Only good humans go here. From what I read, it is a beautiful place of peace and love. I like that idea. And the fact that any loved ones that died before me will be there. If this is true, then I WILL see Elfangor again. Also, I read about beautiful winged humans that live in Heaven. I think they are called "Angels", but I cannot be sure. Could Elfangor be an angel? Will I know him, recognize him, when I see him? For THAT matter…what does God look like?

Of course, I never asked my friends this question. Perhaps later I will ask Tobias what he thinks. I'm sure my shorm will understand my curiosity. He should be done hunting pretty soon.

Same day; Time: 1:00 p.m.

Tobias and I spoke for quite a while. He thinks that when you die, you just fly away to Heaven like birds soar on the thermals. But how does one find this place? 

Oh, I do hope that Elfangor comes to show me the way…

Earth Date: November 12, 1999 Time: 8:08 a.m.

I think the AIDS is beginning to make me ill. I cannot be sure, but lately I've been tiring much quicker than usual, and my appetite has diminished. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Earth Date: November 14, 1999 Time: 10:00 a.m.

The most embarrassing thing happened to me last night! I am so thankful that I was alone when it happened and that no one saw it.

Lately, the urge to urinate seems to come more often. I do feel the need to drink more than usual, thus the increase in the need to pass water. 

But this…I don't know why it happened. I was just walking through the forest when my bladder simply emptied itself. No control. I was able to move aside so most of it went into the bushes but still, it was messy. What will I do if this happens while I'm in the barn surrounded by my friends?  
I've also noticed that I'm starting to lose weight. When I look down at my upper body I can see my ribs under my fur. My hands are bony and pale looking.

Same day: Time: 11:59 p.m.

Just writing to say good night.

Earth Date: November 15, 1999 Time: 11:30 a.m.

I witnessed a glorious sunrise this morning. It had rained the night before, and the clouds were just starting to part when the sun rose. All these golden rays of light shone through the pink and orange clouds. Everything smelled so fresh and clean. Yes, it was quite nice and peaceful. For awhile, I could forget about the yeerks and the war. I just forgot all about it and stood there breathing in the moist morning air.

Most definitely, this was a glorious morning.

Oh dear. I had better get into human morph. Marco and I are going to the mall to "hang out". Prince Jake will meet us there as well.  
Maybe I'll get to eat a delicious cinnamon bun.

Same day: 3:00 p.m.

Now I know the AIDS is making me ill. I almost demorphed uncontrollably in the mall. Fortunately, Prince Jake and Marco were able to get me hidden in time. I also think that Marco and Prince Jake noticed that I am becoming ill as well. Their expressions were clearly worried or even sympathetic.

Tobias landed on my shoulder while I rested long enough to re-morph. He asked me if I was scared. I told him that I was. And I am.

On a lighter notation, I did get to eat a cinnamon bun, so the day wasn't all bad.

When I got remorphed though, Prince Jake and Marco took me to the barn. When we got there, I noticed Cassie helping a horse give birth.

Birth. Such a beautiful thing. Marco said it was disgusting, but he just has a "thing" with blood. I don't see why, because when we go into battle we see things much more awful than a birth. But I'm straying from what I was saying before.

Birth is the dawn of a new life. The creation from the union of two living beings. 

But there was pain there, watching that horse being born. 

I realized that I wouldn't get to father any children. I feel almost guilty for dying like this, leaving no one in my family to carry on where my parents will leave off. I do hope, and I mean I DO hope, that my mother and father have at least one more child.

I also feel guilty for making them have to suffer over my death. Elfangor's death broke their hearts. And now the are going to lose me. That is, if they ever find out. Eventually, I know they will.

Also, just knowing that I won't ever see my parents again hurts me inside. I'll never again get to say that I love them to their face.

When I thought about this while in human morph, the most peculiar thing happened: I cried. Humans cry by shedding fluid through their tear ducts. This fluid is (obviously) called tears. The sensation is strange. It's like a lump forming in my throat, and a swelling sort of pain in my chest. My nose produced more mucus then normal. At first I thought it was the illness, but Cassie told me that it was perfectly normal.

I can still cry as an Andalite. I still get the welling up sensation, but I do not make the same sounds as a human. But you will know. I sob in thoughtspeak.

One last thing before I close this entry.

On Saturday(a name for an Earth day), my friends and I are going down to the yeerk pool. It my be my last battle. And by yaolin, I am going to put an end to Visser Three if I have to die trying! Even speaking of him fills me with rage. I may be dying, but he's going with or before me. I do not care which. I promised that I would avenge Elfangor. I refuse to break that promise.

Visser Three is going to die on Saturday whether he likes it or not.

Earth Date: November 16, 1999 Time: 7:00 a.m.

Nothing.

Earth Date: November 17, 1999 Time: 5:45 a.m.

My anticipation is getting the better of me. I haven't been able to sleep very well.

I had another one of my accidents last night. I was inside my scoop watching the television. But fortunately, I was able to get out of my living area before I made a mess of things. Tobias flew overhead, but I don't think he saw what was going on under me. That is fortunate. I wouldn't know how to explain. Only newborn Andalites are incontinent.

Lately I've been wondering: Why me? Why did I have to be the one to catch the AIDS? I don't have that answer. I know that no one else does. 

Earth Date: November 18, 1999 Time: 11:12 a.m.

I am NOT feeling very well at the moment. I spent the last fifteen minutes expelling my morning meal. Just hearing myself vomit made me vomit even more.

Will I make it to Saturday?

Earth Date: November 20, 1999 Time: 4:30 a.m.

YES! TODAY IS THE DAY!!!

I'm not feeling at my best, or strongest. That doesn't matter. 

I can't even sleep, I'm so full of anticipation. Not excitement, just anticipation. Perhaps even a bit afraid. Oh well. It will all be over with soon enough. But one thing I can't believe is my reflection. 

I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the lake when I went to get a drink and to perform the morning ritual. My face looks strange. Not as it should. I look almost as if I were very, very old. My main eyes are sunken and watery. In the morning they are often crusty and I have to wash my face in the water before I can get them open. And they have dark circles around them. Plus, I've got odd sores on my face and chest. They often hurt or leak pus.

Enough of that!

Today is the day that I either gain or lose my honor. I have to think POSITIVE THOUGHTS! WARRIOR THOUGHTS!!!

Think strong, Aximili. Strong thoughts…

Same day: 2:22 p.m.

I DID IT!!! ELFANGOR HAS BEEN AVENGED!!! VISSER THREE IS GONE!!!

Oh, I am so happy and relieved. The Yeerk Pool raid worked well. We got many of the unwilling hosts free. Still, there was a lot of bloodshed.

Tobias had a hand in helping me destroy the Abomination. See, Visser Three had me pinned over a meat grinder. A meat grinder grinds meat, obviously. Anyway, Visser Three was trying to push me in. Seeing the opportunity, Tobias swooped down and clawed at Visser Three's face. That gave me just the leverage I needed to push the filthy, Andalite-body-snatching yeerk into the meat grinder. Killing Visser Three also killed Alloran, however. I do hope he can forgive me.

On the other hand, right after the fight, I began to vomit profusely. My knees weakened. I couldn't make it outside on my own. Thankfully, Marco was able to lift me while in his gorilla morph. He got us back into the barn by stealing a vehicle and here I am now, writing.

Yes, I know for sure that was my last battle. It is only a matter of days before I die.

I'm tired. I think I shall have a nap…

Earth Date: November 22, 1999 Time: 2:20 p.m.

Pain…I am in so much PAIN!!! I can't think. I can't see straight. I can't even read my own writing.

Oh, mother…I wish you were here to hold me. To let me curl up in your arms and let you whisper poetry or stories to me until I fell asleep. Oh, father…I wish you were here to tell me to be strong. That I can handle this. Oh, Elfangor…I wish you were here to guide me. To tell me how to handle this.

Cassie please hurry and get out of school. I feel as if my body is compressing and expanding itself. My hands are shaking. I am shaking. There are sores all over me. Nasty, oozing little sores.

Why can't I just die and get it over with? I feel like I've leapt out of a ship. I'm falling in slow motion. I wish I'd just hit the bottom.

Same day: 3:00 p.m.

Oh, blessed morphine…

I'm still in pain, but at least now it's not unbearable. My vision has stopped flashing.

Tobias did comfort me earlier. But the things I started thinking of made the pain too much for me to handle. I cried. I moaned and trembled until Cassie and Rachel arrived.

Rachel sat with me, comforted me and told me things would be alright while Cassie got me some morphine. I have also been put on oxygen. The mask isn't uncomfortable. Either I'm tired or the morphine is making me sleepy. I can't tell which. I don't really mind.

I realize now that I'm not frightened of dying anymore. I'm apprehensive, but not scared. Whatever happens after the body dies doesn't bother me anymore. Just knowing that my pain will be over and that I'll be at peace makes me welcome rather than fear what is coming. Long ago, I accepted the fact that I would die. Maybe I even matured a little. I can't be sure.

Now the morphine is really working. Cassie just told me that it's supposed to make me sleepy. So I think I shall sleep now.

Earth Date: November 24, 1999 Time: 2:00 a.m.

I just had a very intense dream. I dreamed that I was in my mother's arms. Elfangor and my father were there. I was being held as if I were an infant or a small child. Yes…a beautiful dream. I called to my mother. Again and again. The dream was so real.

But then I awoke. Cassie was holding me in her arms, rocking back and forth. She told Tobias to get the others, and I asked her to hold me a little while longer. Cassie sang to me. She said wonderful words that reminded me of the poetry my mother would say to me when I couldn't sleep at night. I shall write those words down: 

Good night, stars. Good night moon. Good night sky. Good night Earth. Good night, good night, good night…

I'm so tired. But I can't sleep now. If I do I won't wake up again. And I haven't finished this entry. And this will be my last entry.

Peace. I feel so peaceful right now. It is as if everything is finally falling into place, right were it should be.

Goodbye, Prince Jake. You were a wonderful friend to me, a great leader and an excellent prince. Goodbye, Marco. You were very humorous and excellent at tolerating my "weirdness". Goodbye, Cassie. You were so good at morphing and excellent with animals. Goodbye, Rachel. You were fearless and strong; a true warrior. Goodbye, Tobias. You were the best shorm I shall ever have. 

Goodbye, body. You were a good body to live in, and I am thankful that I got to be who I was. Did that sound childish? Perhaps it did. But it is the truth.

According to the Bible that I have been reading, my spirit will leave my body and go to the place called Heaven. If God heard my prayer, then Elfangor will come and get me. I sure do hope that he does.

I know that I won't be alive in the morning. But I have no regrets. I lived a good life, short, but good. Even as I write, my vision is getting dim and blurry.

I am very ready now. Is Heaven, or the afterlife, ready for me?


End file.
